《[文集]安吉尔·罗芬》萌一脸基血

4、Do Not Say Goodbye

　　There it comes again. It’s neither sadness, nor loneliness. It comes in the shadows, in the pitch dark of the midnight. Captures me, traps me, as if my eyes were two pools of fountains. That is a feeling of being left behind. A feeling of that everything I know, feel, and have touched, put my palm and fingers on, was long gone for some time.
　　That is loneliness. By definition. I think I understand that clearly.
　　I should have understood it, but I didn’t. I expected it to happen. But I didn’t anticipate that the side effect – or let’s say, the specific effect on me – could go this far and deep, forming a knife cut on my surprisingly immature soul. I was the idiot and dumb bastard who could not even protect itself.
　　The melody of an old, late-80’s Shanghai-style song is floating in the air from the speaker of my phone. Its name goes like “Do Not Say Goodbye”. The lyric says, “do not apologize, do not say goodbye. In this brightly-lit night, no one will leave their tears, leave their tears.”
　　And now my tears are shed as if they worth nothing. I remembered at some point of time, we were told that tears could become diamonds and jewels.
　　That was never true.
　　I am thinking it is a life stage we all have to walk through. Others too, the ones who have left me. To speak the truth, I never believed that I truly missed them. What I missed was again, the emotion and feeling of familiarity and security. It has made me thought myself a necessary piece of the world for quite some time. However, again, it was gone as well as the disappearing figures and their shadows swung on the ground.
　　That is the reason why I always need to write things down. I need to record these emotions that I always failed to hold back and control. I need to express it loudly. Even if not a single person is watching, my soul needs a bit of air outside the cage. Think of the well-known poets and writers. Their masterpieces were usually created with the accompany of depression, sadness, and desperate.
　　As I move along the stage, fighting with its toughness and stubbornness, I hope I am also moving closer toward one of them.
　　And that will become a bit of relief to help me have a slightly better sleep tonight.