1、Alone / 独自一人 ...
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Alone
独自一人
I'm all alone.
我完全独自一人。
It's dark. I can't remember where I am ... or why I'm here. It's wrong that I'm alone. Where is Wanda? I can't see to look for her. I can't remember how to call for her. It's silent. I can't feel her. I can't feel our body.
周围漆黑一片。我想不起来我在哪里……或者为什么我在这里。我不应该独自一人的。小漫在哪里？我找不到她。我想不起来怎么呼唤她。周围寂静无声。我感觉不到她。我感觉不到我们的身体。
Panic starts to set in as I wait for her voice. For her to say my name. To tell me where we are. To open my eyes so we can see. I need to hear her voice — my voice, in my softest tone, my gentlest inflection.
我开始害怕，我等待着她的声音，等待着她呼唤我的名字，告诉我我们在哪里，睁开我的眼睛让我们能够看到什么。我需要听到她的声音——我的声音，用我最柔软的嗓音，最温和的语气。
I wait, but there is nothing. Just me and the dark.
我一直在等着，但什么都没有，只有我和这黑暗。
The panic gets worse as I try to remember. Did she shut me out again? That happened once, I know, but I don't remember it. I don't think it was like this, panicking in the dark. It was just nothing then.
我尝试着回忆，但越来越害怕。她是不是又一次把我赶出去？曾经有过一次，我知道，但我想不起来。我在黑暗中忧心忡忡，但不觉得和那次一样。那只是一次误会。
And I don't think Wanda would do that. Because we love other. I remember we said that. Just before.... something. I tried to dredge up the memory.
而且我也不觉得小漫会那么做。因为我们爱着彼此。我记得我们说过，在……什么事情之前。我努力地挖掘着自己的记忆。
We were saying we loved each other.... We were saying....
我们说我们爱着彼此……我们说……
Good-bye.
再见。
My memory comes back clear and strong, and at the same time, rest of me does, too. I can feel the cot under me, I can feel the sweat on my skin raising goose bumps in the cooler night air. I can see a light redly through the membrane of my eyelids. I can hear myself breathing. I can hear a voice getting louder, like someone is pushing a volume button.
我的记忆回来了，清晰而强烈，与此同时，我其他的部分也回来了。我能够感觉到我身下的窄床，我能够透过眼睑看到朦胧的红色光线。我能够听到我正在呼吸。我能够听到越来越大的说话声，好像有人在调整音量旋纽。
The memory is stronger than my senses. The memory is agony.
但记忆比任何一种感觉都要强烈，令我痛不欲生。
I couldn't stop her. She died for me, and there was nothing I could do. It's too late that I can move the muscles in my fingers, that I can curl my hands into fists. It's too late. Wanda is gone. She saved me I didn't save her.
我没能阻止她。她为我而死，而我无法做任何事情。现在我终于能够移动手指上的肌肉，能够把我的手攥成拳头，但已经太迟了，小漫走了。她救了我，我却救不了她。
I don't listen to the nearby voice that is getting louder. I don't care in this second, about the hands that are smoothing out my fists. I am hearing Wanda's voice in my memory, thinking her last thought. It's just an echo in my head now, the way I can remember anyone's voice. She's not here.
那近在咫尺的说话声越来越大，但我不想听。在这一刻，我什么都不在乎，哪怕是有人正在试着扳开我的拳头。我听着记忆中小漫的声音，想着她最后的想法。可是这一切只不过是我脑海中的回音而已，我可以回忆出任何人的声音。但她不在这里。
I'm so afraid, she said.
我很害怕。她说过。
I feel her fear again, remembering.
我再次感觉到了她的恐惧，只是回忆。
I let her be lost. I did that.
我让她消失了。是我做的。
I remember her reasoning. I remember how she made the decision to die to let me live: she couldn't exist at the expense of someone she loved.
我想起她的那些理由。我想起她是怎样下定决心以死换取我的重生：对于她所爱的人来说，她的离开就是无法弥补的损失。
And now I'm supposed to do this — live at the expense of her life? How is this the happy ending? With me the monster who lets friend, my very best friend, die for me?
现在我应该做什么？继续活着，来代替她的人生？这怎么可能是一个大团圆的结局？让我最好的朋友为我而死？为我这个残忍自私的怪物？
"Mel? Mel, I love you. Mel, come back. Mel, Mel, Mel."
“梅儿？梅儿，我爱你。梅儿，醒来吧。梅儿，梅儿，梅儿。”
It is Jared's voice, trying to call me back the way Wanda called back the Healer's host, the way she taught Kyle to call to Jodi.
是杰莱德的声音，他想要唤醒我，就像小漫唤醒治疗师的宿主，她也曾经教给过凯尔，让他去呼唤朱蒂。
I can answer him. I can speak now. I can feel my tongue in my mouth, ready to move into whatever shape I ask it to. I can feel the air in my lungs, ready to push out the words. If I want this.
我能回答他。我现在能说话了。我可以感觉到我的舌头，它就在我的口中，准备在我的命令下作任何动作。我可以感觉到肺中的空气，只要我想要，就可以呼出来发出声音。
"Mel, I love you, I love you."
“梅儿，我爱你，我爱你。”
This is Wanda's gift to me, paid for with her silver blood. Jared and I, put together again as if she'd never lived. As if she hadn't saved us both.
这就是小漫留给我的礼物，代价是她银色的血。如果她死了，杰莱德和我就可以再次在一起了——如果她没有救了我们。
If I accept this gift, I profit from her death. I kill her again. I take her sacrifice and make it murder.
如果我接受了这份礼物，就等于是用她的死换取了这一切。我再一次杀了她。我享用她的牺牲，我令这变成了一场谋杀。
"Mel, please? Open your eyes."
“梅儿，求求你？睁开你的眼睛。”
I feel his hand on my face, cradling my cheek. I feel his lips burn against my forehead, but I don't want them. Not at this price.
我感觉到他的手触到了我的脸，抚过我的面颊。我感到他的唇在我的额上燃烧，但我想要的不是这些，至少，不是在付出如此的代价之后。
Or do I?
我该怎么办？
If I had wanted to save Wanda enough, would I have thought of a way? Just like she thought of a way to save the vile Seeker. Because she did want it enough. Maybe I didn't didn't really want to save the truest friend I ever had — and that was why I didn't find a way.
如果我想要救她，是不是应该能想出个办法？就像她想出办法来救那个讨厌的猎人一样。也许我并不是真心想要拯救我拥有过的最好的朋友——这就是为什么我还没有想出任何一个办法。
Maybe murder is exactly the right word.
也许，谋杀正是最准确的形容。
Wanda cried as she said her good-byes. My eyes still feel raw and puffy. New tears follow the path of the old ones and slide down my temples.
小漫在说再见的时候哭了。我的眼睛仍然感觉得到刺痛和肿胀。新的眼泪顺着旧的泪痕流下，滑过我的太阳穴。
"Mel? Doc, c'mere! I think she's in pain!"
“梅儿？医生，快过来！她好像很疼！”
Doc is still in the hospital. I hear him walk quickly toward me. And my eyes are still raw. Wait. How much time has passed? A few hours or just a few minutes? Am I not too late?
医生还在医院里。我听到他快步走向我。我的眼睛仍在刺痛。等等！已经过了多久了？几个小时还是几分钟？我会不会太迟了？
My eyes flicker open, and Jared's face is close, his eyes tight with worry, his lips just parting to speak again. He sees that I'm aware of him, and whatever he was going to say is lost.
我猛然睁开眼睛，杰莱德的面孔近在咫尺，他的眼中充满了担忧，正要再次开口说话，看到我注意到他，一下子不知道该说什么了。
I shove hard against his chest and he rocks back, unprepared for that. I sit up into the space where he just was, my gaze raking the room, searching for some sign of her — a flash of silver, a shine of movement. Is she dying somewhere here beside me right now? Is there any chance I'm in time?
我猛然推开他。没想到我会这么做，他呆呆地后退。我坐了起来——就在他刚刚让出的位置——视线扫过房间，寻找她存在的任何线索——一点银色的闪光，一点流动的光泽。难道她就死在我所在之处？难道没有任何可能来救她？
"Mel?" Jared asks again, grabbing my right wrist and reaching for my left.
“梅儿？”杰莱德再次叫我，握住我的右腕，然后又去握我的左腕。
"Where is she?" I hiss, trying to yank free while I slide off the other side of the cot. I don't feel dizzy or unbalanced on my feet. Maybe I haven't been out very long at all.
“她在哪里？”我嘶声问道，试图挣脱出来，结果却从床的另一边滑下去。我并不觉得自己头昏或者是站不稳。也许是我太久没有出来了。
He stares at me, shocked, still holding on to my wrist with his arm stretched across the cot. I only meet his eyes for a half second and then I'm looking frantically around Doc's cave again, grateful the bright halogen lantern is still burning.
杰莱德震惊地看着我，仍然抓着我的手腕，哪怕我已经掉到了床的另一边。我只看了他的眼睛半秒钟，然后便开始再一次疯狂的扫视医生的洞穴，幸好明亮的卤素灯仍然亮着。
I don't see the brilliant silver I wish for. It's not here. But then my eyes do find something metallic. A duller silver than I want. A hard, flat, sharp metal blade.
我没有看到我想要的，没有明亮的银色。但随即我便看到了某种金属的色泽，比我想要的更加黯淡。一把坚硬的，薄薄的，锋利的刀子。
I recognize Jared's big hunting knife lying at the head of the cot beside me, an easy distance away. This is the knife that Wanda gouged into our arm to save Jamie. This is the knife that Jared carries on him only when he leaves the caves. This is a knife that has no business here in Doc's hospital.
我认出来了，杰莱德的大猎刀正放着床头，就在我旁边，一个很方便的距离。这是小漫为了就杰米而捅了我们的手臂时用的那一把刀子。除非要离开山洞，否则杰莱德不会带这把刀。它根本没有必要出现在医生的医院里。
The mutilated souls in my memory, in Wanda's memory, fill my head, and I gasp in shock as strong as hers was then, maybe stronger. What had happened to those stranger souls was not entirely surprising, unless you were as innocent as Wanda had been. This there is no excuse for. This is senseless and crueler than anything I've ever dreamed of.
那些破碎的灵魂从我的记忆中浮现，从小漫的记忆中，充斥着我的脑袋，我震惊地喘着气，她的记忆越来越清晰。那些陌生的灵魂究竟发生了什么根本不值得惊讶，除非你像小漫那样天真。没有任何借口，这是我能够想象得到的最无知和最粗鲁的行为。
Is Jared insane? Did he never believe us? Does he still think Wanda was a spy, even now that she's died for us? For him? Was he playing her till the end?
杰莱德疯了吗？难道他从来没有相信过我们？难道他仍然认为小漫是个间谍，即使她为我们而死？难道他是在欺骗她，直到最后？
Or did he think he was putting her out of her pain? Was she twisting with it? Writhing in agony while I slept? A choked cry coughs its way up my throat and through my lips.
或者，他想过没有？他把她取出来的时候她会很痛苦？她是不是因为痛苦纠缠成一团？在我睡着的时候，她却痛不欲生？我发出了一声哽咽的哭号。
Jared circles the head of the cot, never freeing my wrist, and tries to pull me into the circle of his arm.
杰莱德从床头绕过来，仍然没有放开我的手腕，想要把我拉入他的怀抱。
"Mel, baby, it's okay. You're back."
“梅儿，宝贝，一切都很好。你回来了。”
He's got my right hand, so instead of punching, I throw out a vicious backhand with my left, catching his face across the cheekbone. The force of the blow stings in the bones of my hand.
他抓住了我的右手，不方便用拳头，所以我用左手狠狠地朝他的脸扇了一巴掌。击打的力道让我的手痛的要命。
He sucks in a shocked breath and jumps back, dropping my wrist. Freed now I follow the first hit with a good, strong uppercut that glances off the side of his jaw as he ducks away.
他震惊地倒吸了一口凉气，向后跳去，总算放开了我的手腕。紧接着我跟上去给了他一个完美有力的上勾拳。
Long ago I told Wanda I didn't think I'd be able to hit Jared, no matter what. Now all I want is to hit him harder.
很久以前我告诉小漫我不相信自己会揍杰莱德，无论因为什么。但现在我唯一想要的就是揍得更狠一些。
There is no internal protest to my fury the way I almost expect, no innate sense of wrong, and this only makes me more furious.
对于几乎是放任自流的这种愤怒，我心里没有任何抗拒感，没有任何本能的负罪感，这只能让我更加愤怒。
"How could you?" I screech at him as I swing again, missing this time because he is on his guard now. "What is wrong with you? How could you kill her?"
“你怎么能？”我朝他尖叫道，同时再次朝他挥拳，但现在他有了防备，躲开了。“你发什么神经？你怎么能杀了她？”
I remember the souls I've seen, the Seeker and the Healer, and I can only see them through Wanda's perspective. Beautiful, fragile, downy silver ribbons. Wanda would have been beautiful like that. And then I think of the mangled silver bodies ....
我记得我曾经看到过灵魂，猎人和治疗师，当然只能从小漫的视角去看。美丽，脆弱，像柔和的银色丝带。小漫一定同样美丽。然后我又想到了那些破碎的银色躯体……
Someone — Doc — tries to grabs my arms as I lurch toward Jared with fists leading. I throw back an elbow. I feel the impact and hear him gasp when I connect, and his hands drop away.
我再次倾身挥动拳头，有什么人——医生——试图抓住我的手臂。我向后挥动手肘，感觉到了碰撞，同时听到了他痛苦的喘息，他的手松开了。
"You killed her!" I shout at them both. And then I'm echoing her "You're monsters! Monsters!"
“你杀了她！”我朝他们两个喊道，然后我重复着她曾经的话，“你们是自私残忍的怪物！怪物！”
"Mel!" Jared shouts back. "Listen!"
“梅儿！”杰莱德同样大喊，“听我说！”
I lunge for him, and he moves quickly out of my way, hands out as though he's going to try to restrain me. I consider for just a second ducking back for the knife, and some part of me realizes that I'm out of control, but I don't want to be rational. Not with Wanda dead — dead for me — and me still breathing.
我冲向他，他迅速地躲开，伸出手想要阻止我。我只考虑了一秒钟，就闪过了他去拿那把刀子，同时，一部分的我认识到我已经失控了，但我不想保持理性。不想在小漫死去——为我而死——而我还在呼吸的时候保持理性。
"Mel, please just —"
“梅儿，你只要——”
"How could you do this? How?"
“你怎么能这么做？怎么能？”
Another swing and a miss. Jared is fast.
又一次挥拳和又一次落空，杰莱德的动作很快。
A huge shape abruptly rises up beside me. From the corner of my eye I see that the cot in this shadowed recess is occupied. Jodi's vacant face, eyes closed, surrounded by dark curls, has come within range of my attack. And Kyle, one arm still holding Sunny's tank, steps between Jodi and me. Protecting the body of the girl he loves, and the hibernating soul he is so unexpectedly sympathetic to. He doesn't make a move toward me the way I expect.
一个高大的阴影突然出现在我身边。我眼角的余光注意到在山洞的凹处阴影中还有一张床。是朱蒂，她出现在了我的攻击范围内，一头黑色的卷发，神色茫然，闭着眼睛。还有凯尔，手上抱着桑蒂的冷藏箱，站在朱蒂和我之间。保护着他所爱的女孩的身体，还有意外地激发了他的同情的冬眠的灵魂。他并没有向我想象中的那样走过来。
I still remember the feel of his big hands pushing my face under water.
我仍然记得他那双大手把我的脸按向水中时的感觉。
Even Kyle is able to learn. How can Jared be stupider, stubborner, crueler than Kyle?
既然凯尔都会学习，改变。杰莱德怎么可能比他还要愚蠢，顽固，残忍？
I automatically skid back a step from Kyle, and Jared takes advantage of my distraction. He gets my wrist again and pulls my arm behind me. I can tell he is being careful, that he doesn't want to hurt me. This isn't like that first night we met, when we each thought the other was an alien. When we were ready to kill each other. But his hold brings that first night back. And I don't really want to hurt him anymore, but I'm so angry I don't know if I can help it.
我下意识地在离凯尔一步远的地方停了下来，杰莱德在我分心的时候抓住了机会，再一次握紧我的手腕，并把我的手拉到了背后。我必须承认，他的动作相当小心，毕竟他完全不打算伤害我。不像我们第一次见面的那个晚上，我们两个都以为另一个是外星人，并且准备杀了对方。不过现在那一晚的敌视又回来了。我并不是真的想要伤害他，但我仍然很生气，因为我无能为力。
I can't be the person who will accept Wanda's death as the price for what I want. I won't be.
我不想成为用小漫的死换来的那个人，也不应该。
"Melanie," Kyle snaps in his deep voice. He sounds annoyed. I'm so shocked to hear him say my name that I don't interrupt.
“梅兰妮。”凯尔突然用低沉的声音叫道。他听起来很烦躁。听到他叫我的名字，我实在太吃惊了，没有来得及说什么。
"Calm down!" he orders. "Wanda's fine. She's right over there."
“冷静下来！”他命令道，“小漫很好。她好好地在那里。”
I stare at him. I feel my mouth fall open.
我瞪着他，惊讶地张大了嘴。
He gestures to Doc's desk, where there are three cryotanks, all of them glowing dull red on top. Two are spaced evenly in the center the way I remember, and there is another one set apart in the far left corner. I stare at the three tanks, then at the one in Kyle's arm. Four. Two Healers, Sunny, and one more.
他指了指医生的桌子，上面放着三个冷藏箱，都亮着红灯。我记得整齐地放在中间的那两个，但现在又多了一个，放在一旁的角落里。我瞪着那三个箱子，还有一个在凯尔手中。四个，两个治疗师，桑蒂，还有一个……
Wanda.
小漫。
I burst into tears.
我的泪水涌了出来。
The alien who has become my sister is alive. She's right here, and now that I have control of my hands, I can make sure she never disappears. Make sure she'll outlive us all.
那个已经成为我的姐妹的外星人仍然活着，她好好地在这里。现在，我终于可以控制我的手了，我可以确定她根本没有消失，而且会比我们任何人活的更久。
Jared drops my wrist and moves to embrace me, but I shake him off and stumble away from him, past Doc, and head for Wanda. I pull her tank carefully into my arms and hold her tight. She doesn't know I'm here, but someday — someday soon — I will tell her about this moment. I'll tell her that I didn't want my body back until I knew I could use it to protect her.
杰莱德放开我的手，转而拥抱我，但我从他那里挣脱开来，越过医生，朝小漫冲过去，小心地拿起她的冷藏箱，紧紧地抱住。她并不知道我在这里，但也许有一天——那一天很快就会到来——我会告诉她这一刻发生的事情。我会告诉她，我宁可不要自己的身体，除非我可以用它保护她。
"Mel," Jared says from behind me. He's more hesitant now; his fingers press only lightly against my arm.
“梅儿，”杰莱德在我身后说道。他现在有些犹豫了，手指只是轻轻地碰触我的手臂。
I don't turn.
我没有转身。
"Give me a minute," I say thickly.
“给我一分钟。”我含糊地说。
He waits silently. His fingers stay, soft against my skin.
他安静地等待着，手指轻抚过我的肌肤。
I take a few deep breaths and try to come to grips with this new reality. Wanda is safe, and I will bring her back. I am me again, what I always wanted. Jared is here with me. Our family is, thanks to Wanda, intact. I have everything. There is no one in my head but me.
我深呼吸了几次，试着来接收这个新的现实：小漫活着，我会想办法让她回来。而且，我又是我了，这是我期待已久的，杰莱德在这里，和我在一起。多亏了小漫，我的家再次完整了。我现在拥有一切，脑袋里也没有了其他人，只有我。
So of course I feel horribly alone. I don't know if I'm going to be able to stop crying. I wish I could hear Wanda telling me that everything is okay. I promised her I would be happy, but I don't feel happy. Just lonely.
因此我感觉到了可怕的孤独。我不知道我能不能停止哭泣。我希望我可以听到小漫告诉我：一切正常。我答应过她，我会快乐，但我根本没有感觉到快乐，只有孤独。
"Miss you," I whisper to the warm metal in my arms.
“我想你。”我轻声对手中温暖的金属箱子说道。
It is quiet for a minute in Doc's cave. I can feel them hovering behind me, unsure.
医生的山洞里大约安静了一分钟。我可以感觉到他们犹豫不决地站在我身后。
"What happened?" I ask, still not turning.
“出了什么事？”我问道，仍然没有转过去。
"I got here in time," Jared answers.
“我刚好赶到了这里。”杰莱德回答说。
I don't entirely understand this. "Doc?" I say, and my voice sounds strained.
我并不完全理解他的话。“医生？”我紧张地问道。
"I gave my word ... um, Melanie. I'm sorry, I don't really... know you."
“我遵守了我的诺言……呃，梅兰妮。我很抱歉，我并不是真的……认识你。”
I turn to face him as he is speaking. He's blushing a little, and he can't quite meet my eyes.
在他说话的时候，我转过头去，他有些脸红，并且无法完全直视我的双眼。
"I don't know how well you know me," he continues. "How much a part you were of the relationship I had with Wanda." He clears his throat. "But she knew how much that — my word — meant to me. And I believe I know how much it meant to her that I keep my promise. She wanted to die here."
“我不知道你了解我多少。”他继续说道，“了解多少关于我和小漫之间的关系。”他清了清嗓子，“但她理解那个——承诺——对于我来说意味着什么。而且我也理解我的承诺对于她来说意味着什么。她希望死在这里。”
Now he looks me straight in the eye.
现在他可以直视我的双眼了。
"She was wrong," I say through my teeth.
“她弄错了。”我咬着牙说道。
Doc matches my glare for a moment, then sighs and shrugs. "I guess I'm relieved that Jared stopped me. I hope she'll forgive me."
医生和对视了一会，然后耸耸肩，叹了口气，说：“我觉得杰莱德阻止我的时候，我松了口气，希望她可以原谅我。”
My laugh is a little rusty. "She's good at forgiving people."
我笑了笑，同时也有些生气：“她很擅长原谅别人。”
I look at Jared. "You followed her?"
我看向杰莱德：“你跟踪了她？”
He nods. "I could tell something was up."
他点点头：“我觉得事情不太对劲。”
He eyes me, hesitant, and I can tell he's trying to decide if he's allowed to hold me yet.
他犹豫地看着我，我看得出来，他想要再次拥抱我。
I'm not quite ready for that. I look at the knife and then back at him.
我还没有做好准备。这时我看到了那把刀，便还给了他。
"Doc didn't want to do things my way," Jared explains, and Doc rubs a hand nervously over his throat.
“医生不打算按我说的去做。”杰莱德解释说，医生在一旁不安地抓了抓自己的脖子。
I raise one eyebrow, impressed in spite of myself.
我不由自主地挑起眉。
Jared seems surprised that I am surprised.
看上去杰莱德对我的惊讶很意外。
"I love her, too," he says. "I wouldn't let anything happen to her while you were out. No matter what crazy plan she'd set in motion.
“我也爱她。”他说，“我不能在没有你的情况下让她出事，无论她弄出了多么疯狂的计划。”
And it's just like the moment when Jared snuck into Jamie's black sickroom and chloroformed Doc, and Wanda and I knew that he understood, that he believed, that he was who we needed him to he. He is my Jared, and of course he saved Wanda just the way I would have in his place. I know what Wanda would say about this — about my finding comfort in violence — and it almost makes me smile.
就像是那一次杰莱德潜入杰米漆黑的病房用□□迷昏医生，小漫和我都知道他会理解的，而他也相信了，当我们需要他的时候，他就在那里。他是我的杰莱德，当然，他救了小漫，就像我会做的那样。我知道小漫会对此说什么——我对使用暴力手段感觉良好之类的，这只会令我一笑置之。
Jared sees this emotion fill my eyes, soften my face, and he takes that small step forward to put his arms around me — around both of us, since I'm still holding Wanda. This time, I let him. I more than let him — I melt into him, drying my tear-streaked face against his shoulder.
杰莱德看到我的情绪缓和下来了，神情变得温和，所以他慢慢地走了过来，将我拥入怀中——将我们拥入怀中，我仍然抱着小漫。这一次，我允许他这么做。比允许他这么做更多——我靠在他怀里，在他的肩头擦干眼泪。
"Thank you," I whisper.
“谢谢你。”我轻声说。
Jared kisses the top of my head.
杰莱德吻了我的头顶。
It's quiet. I hear the creaking of a cot, and I guess that Kyle is lying down, going back to sleep. That must be why he sounded so annoyed before. I woke him up. Who cares about all this drama with Doc and Jared and a new person he's never met, when he's missing sleep? I want to laugh at his self-absorption. I don't think I will make the allowances for Kyle that Wanda did. I'm not so forgiving.
周围一片安静，我听到病床咯吱一声，我想那是凯尔躺了回去，接着睡觉。这大概就是为什么他刚才听起来很烦躁——我把他吵醒了。当一个人想要睡觉的时候，谁会在乎医生杰莱德和一个没见过的家伙搞出来的这些事情？我真想嘲笑他的热爱睡眠，我不觉得我会像小漫那样体谅凯尔。我可不擅长原谅。
With my face still pressing into Jared's shoulder, I suddenly wonder what Doc thinks of this reunion. I imagine him standing awkwardly, looking away. Or maybe I'm wrong and he's staring, trying to wrap his head around who I am now. Wanda imagined the way the humans would react to me. She expected me to be embraced by them, surrounded by them, trusted and celebrated. I wonder if she had it right. I can definitely feel a slight chilliness from Doc now, but maybe this is because of Jared and the knife, and not me at all. Or maybe it has everything to do with me. Maybe Wanda's friends won't like me so much. All the best people here, I labeled them. Will any of them forgive me for taking her place? Stealing the body they think of as hers?
我仍然靠在杰莱德怀里，突然很想知道医生看到我们这样亲密是什么感觉。我想象他尴尬地站在那里，朝别处望去。也许我错了，他正在盯着我，试图弄明白我现在是谁。小漫曾经想象过其他人对我回来的反应，她想象他们欢欣鼓舞地庆祝这件事，热情的拥抱我，信任我。我想知道她是不是对的。我现在清楚地感觉到医生冰冷轻蔑的视线，不过也有可能是因为杰莱德和那把刀的缘故，不是因为我。或者每件事都和我有关系。也许小漫的朋友并不喜欢我。我觉得这里的人都很不错。但会不会有人无法原谅我取代了她的位置？觉得我偷了她的身体？
Will Jamie? I think so. He loves me. I know that. But how will he feel when he sees Wanda in a small metal tank? Will he be happy to have me back when — to him — I was never really gone?
杰米呢？我觉得……他爱我，我知道。但看到小漫被装在一个小金属箱里，他会怎么想？既然对他来说，我并没有真正离开，那么他会因为我的归来而高兴吗？
We need a body. Jamie will be fine when Wanda herself tells him everything is okay.
我们需要一个身体。如果小漫自己告诉他一切正常的话，杰米就不会伤心了。
But Ian.
但是伊恩。
I don't even want to think about Ian. He doesn't love me the way Jamie does. I don't think Ian even likes me. He might actually hate me. Or he will, when he wakes up and she's gone.
我甚至无法去想象伊恩的反应。他并不像杰米那样爱我。我不觉得伊恩会喜欢我。当他醒来然后发现她已经离开了，他当然会恨我。
I promised Wanda I would try to take care of Ian, but I feel in my bones that he won't allow that. How can I apologize in any meaningful way while I'm standing in this body and Wanda's in a can?
我答应过小漫我会照顾好伊恩，但真心觉得他不会觉得这是个好主意。当我在这个身体中而小漫被塞进一个罐头盒里的时候，我该怎样合理的表示歉意？
We need a body fast.
我们必须尽快弄到一个身体。
There is another reason I don't want to think about Ian. I remember kissing him, just a few minutes ago, probably, and I remember it feeling right. Part of me misses him already. Part of me wants him here.
另外一个我不打算去想伊恩的原因是，我记得我吻了他，就在几分钟之前——也许吧——而且我感觉不错。一部分的我想念他，一部分的我希望他在这里。
I shudder in Jared's arms, and he holds me tighter.
我颤抖着埋进杰莱德的怀抱，他抱得更紧了。
"It's all going to be okay," Jared promises.
“一切都会好起来的。”杰莱德承诺说。
I believe him. I inhale the scent of his skin and know this is where I want to be.
我相信他。我深吸一口气，是他的味道，我知道，这就是我想要的。
I am too exhausted now to think about Ian. I am too tired to do anything but rest my head against Jared's arm and let him hold me.
我太累了，实在不想去考虑伊恩的事，现在只要靠在杰莱德的怀里就好。
This is going to be confusing.
这真是太令人困扰了。
♦
Kyle's big voice, too loud even when he is trying to whisper, is pulling me into consciousness. I'm lying down. I feel disoriented, like the first time I woke up. How long have I been asleep now?
凯尔的大嗓门就耳语而言实在是太大，令我恢复了意识。我在躺着，感觉迷迷糊糊的，像我第一次醒来的那一次。我睡了多久？
"Look at me, Jodi. Please, honey? I need you to open your eyes. I need you to do this for me, Jodi. Please. Please. Squeeze my hand. Something."
“看着我，朱蒂。可以吗，甜心？我需要你睁开眼睛，为我睁开眼睛，朱蒂。求你了，求你了，握住我的手。或者随便做点什么。”
Kyle's voice breaks as my eyes flutter open. The tarps are still in place over the air vents. They keep the sun from being too blinding. It's morning, but the light is yellow and not orange. Well past dawn.
当我睁开眼睛的时候，凯尔的声音停下了。防水布仍然罩在通风口上，防止阳光太晒。已经是早上了，但光线是黄色的而不是橙色，刚好错过了黎明。
I guess it's not surprising that I slept so long; Wanda was up for days in this body. It was worn through. But this is terrible timing for a sleep-in day.
这什么好奇怪的，我睡得太久了。这身体按照小漫的步调过了太多的日子，已经有些迟钝了。不过对于一个室内活动日，这真的是个糟糕的时间。
Will Ian be up? Is he looking for me?
伊恩醒了吗？他开始找我了吗？
Not for me. For Wanda.
当然不是找我，是找小漫。
I sit up too fast, and my head spins while I search the cave for Wanda. I spy the tank on the cot next to mine.
我猛然坐起来，感到一阵眩晕。随即我便找到了小漫的冷藏箱，就放在床上。
"It's okay," Jared murmurs in a soothing voice — the kind of voice you use with sick people and scared children. "She's right here. She's not going anywhere."
“一切正常。”杰莱德低声安慰着——就是用你去安慰病人或者受惊吓的小孩子的那种语气，“她好好地在这里，没有去任何地方。”
Jared is leaning against the cot on my other side. He is smiling, the corners of his eyes crinkling. There is still a residue of caution in those eyes, He isn't sure he knows me as well as he did before. He's not sure how much Wanda has changed me.
杰莱德朝我倾身过来，微笑着，眼角眯出了细纹。那双眼睛中仍然残留着一丝警觉。他不清楚我是不是还和以前一样，不确定小漫让我改变了多少。
There is a purple bruise forming across his right cheekbone.
他右边的颧骨上有一块紫色的淤痕。
I clear the sleep from my throat and croak, "Sorry. And thanks. Again."
嗓子因为刚刚睡醒而不太舒服，我清了清嗓子，说：“对不起，还有谢谢，再一次的。”
"I love you," he answers. The way he says the words makes them into something more than reassurance. It's almost a challenge.
“我爱你。”他答道。说话的语气令这几个词不仅仅是安慰，几乎是一种挑战。
"I love you, too," I tell him. I roll my eyes. "Obviously."
“我也爱你。”我告诉他，翻了个白眼，“很明显。”
He grins. This is all he needs. He pulls me off the cot and into his chest.
他露出了灿烂的笑容，这就是他要的，然后便将我拉到他怀里。
I hug him back, but it feels like cheating. I don't get to enjoy anything yet. There is too much I've put off while I slept. It hangs over me like a jail sentence. Something that must be endured before anything else can continue.
我同样拥抱他，但感觉好像是在欺骗。我无法享受这一刻。在我睡着的时候，有太多的事情被推迟了，好像是笼罩在我身上的命运审判，在一切恢复正常前，有些事情必须克制。
"What?" Jared asks, feeling me stiffen as I think of what I have to do. "I want to understand what you're going through now. Talk to me."
“怎么了？”杰莱德问道，我在考虑应该怎么做时，他感觉到了我的僵硬，“我希望知道你打算做什么，告诉我。”
He sounds so serious and determined — determined to be a therapist, if that's what I need.
他的声音严肃而充满决断力——像一位咨询师，也许这正是我需要的。
"It's nothing very complicated," I say, and I sigh. "Ian."
“并不很复杂。”我叹了口气，说，“伊恩。”
His arms are rigid for a second, and then he forces himself to relax. I see a doubt on his face that has never been there before.
他的手臂僵硬了一秒种，然后强迫自己放松下来。我在他脸上看到了之前没有过的怀疑。
"He needs to know. The longer I wait to tell him —"
“他需要知道。我越晚告诉他——”
"It's still early. He might not be up yet. Let's go look for him." Immediate action, Jared's specialty.
“还早呢。他大概还没有起来。我们去找他吧。”行动果决是杰莱德的特点。
"I need to talk to him alone first. I have to explain."
“我最好先单独和他谈谈。我必须解释清楚。”
Jared mulls for a moment.
杰莱德考虑了一会。
"I don't like it," he finally says. His words are slower and more deliberate than usual. "He'll be angry. Real angry."
“我不喜欢这个主意。”他最终说道，语气比平时更加缓慢和深思熟虑，“他很生气，毫无疑问。”
"I know."
“我知道。”
"I'm going with you."
“我和你一起去。”
"No. That would hurt him more." I am sure of this. And also sure that I have nothing physical to fear from Ian. I know him better than that. "And don't follow me like you followed Wanda. This is straight forward. He just needs to hear it from me first."
“不行。这对他是更大的伤害。”这点我可以肯定，同样可以肯定我其实没必要害怕伊恩，我已经相当了解他了。“还有，别像跟踪小漫一样的跟踪我。没必要拐弯抹角。他只是需要先从我这里知道这一切。”
Jared nods once, guarded. That doubt is there again. I don't think there is anything I can say to take it away. Words are not enough, especially after this long year of someone else's words coming out of my mouth. Eventually, Jared will be sure that nothing has changed between us just because Wanda was in my body when she fell in love with Ian. Time and action — those are the things that will convince him. And me.I take his face between my hands and kiss him once mouth, and then a second time lightly — just touching my lips to his bruise.
杰莱德迅速点点头，但神色谨慎，那种怀疑再次出现了。我不知道我究竟可以说什么才能抹去那怀疑。语言根本无法完全表达，尤其是在这漫长的一年中，是别人在用我的嘴说话。最终，杰莱德会明白的，我们之间没有任何改变，只是小漫在用着我的身体的时候爱上了伊恩。时间和行动会向他证明一切，当然，还有我。我捧起他的面庞吻了一下他的唇，然后又轻轻地吻上了他的淤痕。
The sensation of the jail sentence is too strong for me to linger, though. I have to get this over with before I can really let myself feel him here with me. I can't be happy with this looming over me. The pleasure is corrupted to the point where it's pain.
那种即将接受宣判的感觉仍然折磨着我，我必须快点搞定这件事，然后才可以真正地和他在一起。在审判逐渐逼近的时候，我根本不可能开心，任何愉快的感觉都会被痛苦摧毁。
Jared squeezes my arm as I turn away from him. I walk past Doc, who is snoring quietly on the last cot. I head out into the long southern tunnel and am immediately hit with a heavy sense of the surreal.
杰莱德在我离开的时候抓紧了我的手臂，我经过了最后一张床，医生正在上面轻声地打鼾。我朝南侧通道探出头去，突然有了一种极强烈的不真实感。
I never expected to do this again — walk through this darkness. The last time felt so final. Rationally, I must have been aware that the whole point was for me to wake up, get off the cot, and walk back into the caves. But it feels impossible and strange and wrong now.
我从来没有想到过会再一次穿过这黑暗，上一次的时候好像是最后一次。理性的说，我必须意识到，重点是我醒了，起床，然后回去山洞里。但现在却感觉这是不可能的，古怪而错误。
The tunnel is long again and a little bit frightening, the way it hadn't been for Wanda for a long time.
通道仍然漫长而又令人有些恐惧，仅仅在不久之前，小漫走过这里。
As I walk quickly, my mind races ahead to what I am going to say to Ian. Will he still be asleep? Should I knock? I can't remember if Wanda put the door back in place when she left.
我一边快走，一边思考着怎么对伊恩说。他是不是仍在睡觉？我应该敲门吗？我不记得小漫离开的时候是不是把门关上了。
I picture him, his limbs flung out on the mattress the way he always sleeps, his black hair sticking out in wild tufts, his pale eyelids shut. It is easier to imagine him with his eyes closed. I am afraid to see his bright blue eyes, because I know how the pain will look in those eyes. The pain and the anger and all the accusations that I absolutely deserve.
我想象着他四肢伸展地睡在床上，黑色的头发凌乱地翘着，苍白的眼睑紧闭着。想象他闭着眼睛比较轻松。我有些不敢去看他明亮的蓝色眼睛，因为我知道里面会流露出痛苦，痛苦和愤怒的控诉，那完全是我应得的。
I start walking faster, almost jogging. I want to get to him before he wakes up. I want to have a few seconds to see his face before he opens his eyes and starts hating me. I'm jogging outright when I turn the corner into the bright plaza. It will be my first time in this room and also my thousandth. I am pondering this as I run smack into Ian.
我加快脚步，几乎变成了小跑。必须在他醒来前赶到。我希望能够在他开始恨我之前再看看他的面孔。转过一个弯，我径直跑进了明亮的广场中。这是我第一次来到这里，也是第一千次。在冲向伊恩的同时，我正在想着这个。
He catches my arms automatically, to keep me from falling backward. He looks down and begins a smile.
他本能地抓住我的手臂，免得我向后摔倒。低头看来并且露出一个微笑。
The expression freezes on his face. His hands drop from my arm like he's just gotten an electric shock.
他的表情一下子冻结了，像被电击一样松开我的手臂。
Though I know I look exactly the same as Wanda — without direct light, my eyes don't give me away — it's clear that he knows. He knew the second he touched me, and the information only reached his brain after he'd started that smile.
我和小漫看起来没有什么区别——除了在直接的光照下，我的眼睛会出卖我——显然，他也很清楚这一点。在碰到我的那一刻就知道了，比他开始露出微笑晚了那么一点。
He steps back from me, still half smiling, though there is no humor in his expression at all. It's like the rictus grin of a corpse left unfinished by an indifferent mortician.
他从我身边退开，唇边仍然带着那不完全的笑容，即使他的表情中根本没有笑意。就像一具被不负责任的殡仪师留下的露齿而笑的尸体。
We stare at each other.
我们彼此对视着。
I can't tell how long we stand like this. His smile gets more and more painful by the second, until I can't bear it. Finally I speak, babbling the first words I can think of.
我不确定我们这样站了多久。他的笑容越来越痛苦，我忍不住开口，说出了我能想到的第一句话。
"She's fine. She's in a tank. We'll get her a body. She'll be fine. Fine. She's fine." By the end, my voice is tiny. Barely more than a whisper.
“她没事。她在一个冷藏箱里。我们会给她找一个身体。她会没事的……没事……她没事。”我的声音越来越小，仅仅比耳语强一点。
As I speak, his face relaxes. Sort of. The hard smile dissolves, the corners of his mouth sag down. His frozen blue eyes thaw out. But his face also tenses in new ways. Lines around the edges of his eyes. Black brows align into one long block.
随着我的话语，他的神情放松了下来，变得柔和了。僵硬的笑容消失，嘴角垂了下来，冰冷的蓝色眼睛融化。但他的脸仍然绷紧了，眼睛周围出现了细纹，眉头紧锁。
He doesn't answer. We stare at each other again, but it's not the motionless, icy thing it was before.
他没有回答。我们再一次彼此对视，但至少有改变，不再是死局。
My arms ache to reach out to him. To exercise some physical expression of comfort. I half lift them and drop them again. My hands twitch toward him, and I ball them into fists.
我的手臂朝他伸过去，想要安慰他。我在半抬起的时候阻止了它们，让它们自然落下，我的手颤抖地伸向他，然后我把它们攥成拳头。
He is moving in almost the same way. He leans toward me just a little, then recoils subtly. He does this three times as we face each other.
他的动作几乎是同样的方式，想要接近我，又迅速收回去，在我们对视的时候，这种情况发生了三次。
I wait for his accusations: You made her suffer because of me. You were petty. You knew her weak points and you used them. You let her sacrifice herself. She's a hundred times the person you are.
我等待着他的控诉：你令她为我忍受痛苦，你这个自私鬼。你知道她的弱点，利用了它们。你让她牺牲了自己。她比你好一百倍。
All true. I will not argue with him. I will plead guilty.
都是真的。我无法和他争辩。我认罪。
He doesn't say anything.
他什么都没说。
Is this restraint for her sake, because he knows she wouldn't approve? Or is he just being polite, the wayyou are to a stranger?
这种克制是因为她的缘故吗？因为他知道她不会喜欢？或者他只是保持礼貌，对陌生人的礼貌？
He still doesn't speak, and I start to wonder if he simply can't. If there are no words for the pain that is easy to read, now, in his eyes.
他仍然没有说话，我开始觉得他仅仅是因为说不出来。也许没有任何语言可以形容这种痛苦，在他眼睛中很容易看到。
"Do you want to ... go to her?" I offer.
“你想要去……她那里吗？”我提议说。
He doesn't answer, but the pain in his eyes shifts a little. Becomes ... bewilderment. His hand rises slightly, then falls.
他没有回答，但眼中的痛苦缓和了一点，变得更加混乱，他稍微抬起手，又放下。
"She's with Doc," I murmur. I turn halfway, back toward the southern tunnel.
“她在医生那里。”我小声说，转过身，返回南侧通道。
I take a step sideways, leading. He follows with one jerky motion.
我侧身领着路，他跌跌撞撞地跟在后面。
Walking slowly, still sideways, I move into the darkness. He follows, his stride becoming more sure. Once we're in the dark, I turn to face forward. I keep my tread light, listening to be sure he is with me. His footsteps sound stronger. He starts to speed up. After a few moments, I'm following him.
我侧身慢慢地走进了黑暗中。他跟了上来，步伐变得更加确定。一旦我们都进入了黑暗，我转向前方，放轻脚步，侧耳倾听，确定他正跟着我。他的步子越来越稳定，开始变快，仅仅过了一小会，就变成了我跟着他。
In the dark it is easier. Like his eyes are closed. We walk in silence, but it feels more comfortable. I was invisible to him before, but I was always there, walking beside him. It feels the same now that I'm invisible again.
在黑暗中感觉轻松了些，就像他闭着眼睛。我们沉默地走着，但这样感觉更加合适。对于他来说，我以前并不存在，但我一直都在，在他身边。现在和那时很像，我再次不存在了。
"I couldn't stop her," I say after maybe half a mile.
“我没能阻止她。”大概走了半英里后，我说。
He surprises me by — after a short hesitation — answering me.
他令我大吃一惊——在短暂的犹豫之后，他回答了我。
"Did you want to?"
“你真的想要阻止吗？”
His voice is husky, like maybe he couldn't risk speaking before because of what it would do to his self-control, and I'm even more glad I can't see him.
他的声音沙哑，也许他之前正在努力控制自己，所以无法说话。我很庆幸我看不到他。
"Yes."
“是的。”
We walk slower, not speaking for a while. I wonder what it's like for him, hearing my voice. He sounds like my friend, but I must sound like something very different to him.
我们走的慢了一些，又沉默了一会。我想知道他是不是喜欢听我的声音。他听起来像我的朋友，但我对他来说其实十分陌生。
"Why?" he asks eventually.
“为什么？”他最终还是问道。
"Because she ... is my best friend."
“因为她……是我最好的朋友。”
His voice is different when he speaks again. Calmer. "I wondered about that."
再次开口时，他的声音变得不一样了，更加冷静。“我想知道一切。”
I don't say anything, hoping he'll explain. After a minute, he does.
我没说话，希望他能解释一下。一分钟后，他解释了。
"I wondered if anyone who really knew her could not love her. You knew her every thought."
“我想知道有没有哪个人真的了解她却不爱她。你应该了解她的每一个想法。”
"Yes." I answer the question he didn't ask. "I love her."
“是的。”我回答了他没有问出的那个问题，“我爱她。”
He hesitates, then asks, "But you must have wanted your body back?"
他犹豫了一下，然后问道：“但你一定想要回你的身体？”
"Not if it meant losing Wanda."
“这并不意味着失去小漫。”
He digests this for a moment. The soles of his shoes are suddenly hitting harder against the stone floor, and I have to move faster to keep up with him.
他花了一小会来理解着句话。脚步声突然变重，我不得不加快步子来跟上他。
"She's not leaving this planet," he growls.
“她没有离开这个星球。”他喊道。
That other plan — the one that was never more than a fabrication in our head — is so far from my thoughts that it takes me a second to understand.
另一个计划——好像它并不存在，我根本没有想过它，所以花了一秒种才想起来。
"That was never her intention," I say, meaning to agree with him.
“她根本没想过。”我试图令他确信。
He says nothing, but his silence is a question. He walks slower again.
他没再说话，但他的沉默似乎像是一个疑问。他的步子又放慢了。
I try to explain. "She was making that part up, so you all wouldn't argue with her. She wanted to stay here.... She planned to, well, be buried here. With Walter and Wes."
我试着解释：“她撒谎了，这样你们就不会反对她。她希望待在这里……她的计划是，好吧，被埋葬在这里。和沃尔特还有威斯在一起。
His silence is heavier this time. He's stopped altogether.
他的沉默变得异常沉重，完全停下来脚步。
I hurry to explain. "But she's fine, like I said. Doc put her in a tank. We'll get her a body. Soon. First thing."
我连忙解释：“但她很好，就像我说的，医生把她放到了冷藏箱里。我们会给她找到一具身体。很快。这是首要任务。”
But he's not listening. "How could she think of doing that to me?" he hisses furiously.
但他根本没听。“她难道不明白这对我意味着什么？”他狂暴地叫道。
"No," I say softly. "It wasn't like that. She felt like she would be hurting you more if she stayed here ... in this body."
“不是。”我柔声说，“不是这样的。她觉得她如果留在这里会更加伤害你……在这个身体里。”
"That's ridiculous. How could she want to die rather than leave?"
“这太荒唐了。她怎么能觉得死去比离开更好？”
"She loves it here," I say softly. "She doesn't want to live anywhere else."
“她爱着这个星球。”我柔声说，“她不想去任何地方。”
Ian is very angry — angry with Wanda, which offends me. His words are sharp. "I never thought of her as such a quitter."
伊恩非常生气——对小漫生气，这让我很不爽。他尖锐地说：“我没想到她会这么容易放弃。”
"She's not," I snap, and then I immediately feel guilty. I have no right to get mad at Ian. So I speak slowly, measuring out my words, trying to make him see. "Wanda ... She thinks she's tired of being a parasite, but I think she was just plain tired. She was so worn out, Ian. More than she let anyone see. Losing Wes like that ... It was a lot for her. She blamed herself —"
“她没有。”我厉声说，然后我立刻感觉到了内疚。我没有权利对伊恩生气。所以我缓和了语气，字斟句酌地对他解释：“小漫……她认为自己厌倦了做一个寄生虫，但我觉得她只是单纯的厌倦。她已经受够了，伊恩。比她表现出的更加严重。失去了威斯之类的……这对她影响很大。
"But she didn't have anything to do with —"
“但这不表示她可以做这种事——”
"Try telling her that!" I realize that I've barked at him again, and I take a deep breath. "Then having to face the Seeker. It was tougher than you know. But more than any of that, loving you while ... loving Jared. Loving Jamie and thinking he needed me more. Loving me. Feeling like she was hurting us all just by breathing. I don't think you can understand what that was like for her, because you're human. You can't imagine how she ... she ..." I can't find the right words, and my throat suddenly feels swollen.
“去对她说啊！”我发现我又对他喊了，做了一个深呼吸，我继续说，“然后还有不得不去面对那个猎人。这比你想的更加艰难。但更严重的是，爱着你……同时又爱着杰莱德。爱着杰米，但想到他更需要我。爱着我。看起来她的存在似乎伤害到了我们所有人。我不觉得你会理解这一切对于她来说意味着什么，因为你只是个人类。你无法想象她……她……”我找不到合适的词，而且嗓子也好像突然被什么堵上了。
"I think I know what you mean." His voice is softer now. His antagonism is gone. Ian is not one to hold on to anger.
“我想我能明白你的意思。”他的语气变得温和，敌意消失，伊恩不是那种没完没了生气的人。
"So she really needed a break, but she got all — all melodramatic about it. And I thought I couldn't save her." My voice breaks. I take a deep breath. "I didn't know Jared was following us."
“所以她真的需要一次休息，但她却选择了——选择了这种极端的方法。我以为我根本无法救下她。”我的声音开始改变，连忙做了一个深呼吸，“我不知道杰莱德正跟着我们。”
When I say Jared's name, I hear the tiniest whisper of sound in the darkness. Almost like ... a muffled, stuttered step. And I realize that, just as with Wanda, Jared isn't going to sit on a cot and twiddle his thumbs while I walk into a potentially dangerous situation. Not that this is dangerous at all, but Jared doesn't know Ian the way I do. And, to be fair, if the situation were somehow reversed, I probably would have done exactly the same thing. And if he'd unexpectedly said something about me following him, I might have stumbled, too. I roll my eyes in the darkness.
当我说起杰莱德的名字，我听到黑暗中传来了细微的声音。几乎像是……那种轻巧的，蹑手蹑脚的脚步声。我知道了，就像是跟着小漫，当我很可能陷入危险的时候，杰莱德根本没有坐在病床上摆弄着手指。当然现在并没有什么危险，但杰莱德并不像我那样了解伊恩。而且，公平的说，如果易地而处，我也会做同样的事情。而且如果我跟着他时突然听到他提到我，也会犯错误的。我朝黑暗中翻了个白眼。
Ian doesn't notice. He sighs. "Jared caught on, but I missed it."
伊恩没有注意，他叹气说：“杰莱德当然注意到了，但我没有。”
"Jared's just overly cautious. Always. He goes overboard. Way, way overboard." This is for him. So he knows he's been caught.
“杰莱德只是过度谨慎而已。总是这样，多管闲事。没错，就是多管闲事。“这是说给他的，所以他应该知道自己被发现了。
"But he was right," Ian said.
“但他是对的。”伊恩说道。
"Yes." And I huff out a huge sigh of relief, thinking of how close a thing it was. "Paranoia comes in handy sometimes."
“是的。”我大大的松了一口气，想到就差那么一点，事情就会变成另一个样子，“有些时候偏执狂还是有用的。”
We walk quietly for a few minutes. I try to hear Jared, but he's being careful now, totally soundless.
我们静静地走了一会，我用耳朵搜寻杰莱德，但他更加小心了，几乎没有声音。
"Do you think she'll be angry with us when she wakes up?" Ian asks.
“你觉得如果她醒了，会因为我们这么做生气吗？”伊恩问道。
I snort. "Wanda, angry? Please."
我哼了一声：“小漫，生气？拜托。”
"Unhappy, then?" he asks more quietly.
“但还是会不高兴？”他轻声问道。
"She'll be fine," I assure him, because I know she won't be able to help being happy when she knows that's what we all want. It's just the way she's built. But I don't feel bad about taking advantage of her nature, because I also know this is what she really wants, under all the self-sacrifice. What she'd let herself want if she were a teensy bit more selfish.
“她会没事的。”我向他保证，因为我知道，如果她知道我们的想法，她当然会不高兴，但这是她自找的。我并不觉得利用她的天性占上风有什么问题，因为我也知道，在这所有的一切自我牺牲之后，到底什么是她真正想要的，只要她稍微自私一点点便可以得到。
"What you said before, about her loving you, and Jamie, and Jared ... and me."
“你之前说的，什么她爱你，还有杰米，还有杰莱德……还有我。”
"Yes?"
“什么？”
"Do you think she really does love me, or was she just responding to the fact that I love her? Wanting to make me happy?"
“你觉得她真的爱上我了吗？或者只是觉得应该回报我对她的爱？让我觉得更加开心？”
He understands her. He knows her better than anyone but me.
他真的了解她。比任何人都了解，当然除了我。
I hesitate.
我犹豫了一下。
"I'm only asking because I don't want to be a ... a burden when she wakes up." He waits a moment for my response, and when I don't say anything, he continues. "Don't worry about hurting my feelings. I want the truth."
“我问这个只是因为我不想做一个……一个她醒来后必须面对的困扰。”空等了一会我的回答，他继续说，“别担心伤害我的感情。我只想知道真相。”
"It's not your feelings I'm worried about. I'm just trying to think of the right way to describe it. I've been ... not entirely human for the past year, so I get it, but I'm not sure you do."
“我担心的不是你的感情。我只是在找出合适的形容。在过去的一年里，我并不算是完全的人，所以我明白，但我不确定你能不能明白。”
"Try me."
“试试吧。”
"It's strong, Ian. The way she feels about you is something else. She loves this world, but so much of the reason she couldn't leave was reallyyou. She thinks of you as her anchor. You gave her a reason to finally stay in one place after a lifetime of wandering."
“那很强烈，伊恩。她对你的感觉是别的什么。她爱着这个世界，但她不想离开的大部分原因真的是你。她觉得你是她的港湾。在做了一辈子的漫游者之后，你给了他一个理由来停留在一个地方。”
He takes a deep breath. When he speaks, I hear peace in his voice for the first time. "Then that's all right."
他深深地呼吸着，当他再次开口的时候，声音中第一次有了平和，“那么一切都会好起来的。”
"Yes."
“没错。”
A pause, and then he says, "Don't rush."
他停顿了一下，说：“别冲动。”
"What?"
“什么？”
We are rounding the corner toward the light of Doc's hospital. I can feel an itch in my palms to touch her tank again. To make sure.
我们绕过转角，前面就是医院的灯光，我感觉到自己想要再次抱住她的冷藏箱，来确保一切都是真的。
"When you go to find her a body. Take your time. Make sure you find one she'll be happy in. I can wait."
“如果你去给她找一具身体，别着急，首先要确定你会找到一个她喜欢的，我可以等。”
I look up at him. I can see his expression now. His face is calm.
我看向他，现在终于可以看到他的表情了，很冷静。
"Won't you be coming with us?" I ask, startled. I realize I've been picturing him as a part of the next step. Imagining him on one side, Jared on the other, the way it was in our last raid.
“你不和我们一起去吗？”我震惊地问道，意识到我之前想象过一点他接下来怎么做，想象着他在一边，杰莱德在另一边，就像我们最后一次突袭时的那样。
He shakes his head as we walk up to the big bright hole that is the entrance to the hospital.
在我们走进医院明亮的入口时，他摇了摇头。
"I don't really care about that part. You know what she needs. And I'd rather be here with her."
“我并不真正在乎这种事。你知道她的喜好。我更希望留在这里陪她。”
Part of me is hurt that he will not come with me, that he will be here with Wanda instead, but I'm not sure if I'm jealous of his time or of hers.
一部分的我感到有些受伤，因为他不会陪着我而是在这里陪着小漫，不过我不确定我是在嫉妒他还是她。
We step into the light, and there is Jared, the picture of innocent curiosity, leaning against the cot where Wanda's tank is sitting. Ian walks straight for her. Jared takes a careful step out of his way. In the shadows, Kyle watches with hollow eyes. Doc is still sleeping.
我们站在明亮的光芒中，杰莱德也在，倾身看着病床上小漫的冷藏箱，多么纯真的一副画面。杰莱德用他的方式表示了体贴，站进了阴影中。凯尔眼神空洞。医生仍然在睡觉。
Ian lifts the tank with incredible care. I hear him exhale. With relief. With sadness. With hope.
伊恩小心翼翼地拿起冷藏箱。我听到他松了一口气，忧伤而又充满希望。
"Thanks," he says in Jared's direction, but he doesn't look away from her tank.
“谢谢。”他对杰莱德的方向说道，但视线并没有从她的冷藏箱上移开。
"I owe her," Jared responds.
“我欠她的。”杰莱德答道。
Then Jared looks at me, one brow raised. A question.
然后杰莱德看向我，挑起一边的眉毛。一个疑问。
I take one deep breath and walk to him. Yes, I answer with my smile. Yes, I am allowed to be happy now. Yes, I love you, too. Yes.
我做了一个深呼吸，然后走向他。是的，我露出笑容作为回答。是的，我允许我现在开心一会。是的，我也爱你，是的。
I put one arm around his waist, but my other hand sneaks away. My fingers trace across the warm metal in Ian's arms.
我伸出一只手揽住他的腰，但我的另一只手溜走了，我的手指滑过伊恩手中温暖的金属。
I feel strong again. This will be put right. Soon.
我再次拥有了力量。一切都会好起来的，很快。
And then I'll be able to tell Wanda all about it.
到那时我会告诉小漫这一切。
作者有话说
第1章 Alone / 独自一人
，还差 